Funerals are part of the grieving process

On Wednesday 13^th May 2026 Caroline and I went down to Andover for the funeral of Roger Larkinson, an old school friend. We both did Latin and Greek to ‘Advanced’ level, along with another boy called Jonathan. In due course Jonathan went to Oxford and became an Anglican minister; Roger became a Methodist minister after he had read Classics at Cambridge; while I too went to Cambridge and became a Baptist minister after I had read French and German (Part 1); then Theology (Part 2 & Part 3).

At Roger’s funeral the coffin was brought to the front, with the head of the coffin facing the congregation – this is normally the case when a minister dies, for even at the end he (or she) is facing the people.

We sang four hymns all chosen by Roger. My favourite hymn in the service was by Isaac Watts and began and ended with the words:

I’ll praise my Maker while I have breath;
And when my voice is lost in death,
Praise shall employ my nobler powers,
My days of praise shall ne’er be part,
While life and thought and being last,
Or immortality endures.

Along with the prayers and Bible readings, there was also a sermon. Roger before he died said that there should be no eulogy. Rather, he wanted the focus to be on God and his many good gifts, such as music, marriage, and family life, together with the privilege of being part of the worldwide church family; and above all, for the faith that had given him the strength and which also gives hope to the world.

Although Roger had a great sense of humour, in the funeral service there were no jokes nor was there any laughter. Instead, the family and his friends were grieving their loss. The fact is that funerals are part of the grieving process. Not to grieve causes all kinds of psychological problems. I saw this in my aunt whose 17-year-old son, my cousin Johnny, died in a farming accident. Although there was a funeral, my aunt refused to grieve but instead praised God that her son was (and remains!) in heaven. As a result it took many years for her to come to terms with the death of Johnny.

Yes, grieving is essential. Yet strangely 24% of UK adults do not want a funeral and instead opt for an unattended, no-service funeral. I am sure that as a result of refusing to have no funeral they too will have psychological problems. Funerals are an essential part of the grieving process.

To my surprise, not all churches see the importance of grieving. In my experience this is particularly true of Baptist and independent Evangelical churches. For instance when one of my minister friends died in Newcastle, I attended the public service following the private funeral and was amazed that almost everybody was laughing and rejoicing, and telling jokes about my friend. For me that service was incredibly painful, for I wanted to grieve the loss of my friend, but at no point did those leading the service allow me to express my grief. The fact is that there is nothing funny about death. In this regard my mind goes to Jesus, who when he heard of the death of his friend Lazarus, he wept (John 11.25).

On the other hand, there is a place for laughter at a memorial service. Last year I attended the memorial service of one of my minister friends, for many years had been the Vicar of Richmond-upon-Thames. There were some 750 of us present, who at various times in that memorial service roared with laughter at the foibles of my friend Nicholas. For instance, when he wanted to eat some baked beans, because he did not know how to cook, he ate them straight from the tin!

I agree with the American Psychological Society that grieving is essential because it is the natural process of adaptation to life after loss, allowing individuals to honour their loved ones and their friends. It is a process which involves complex emotions and eventually allows the bereaved to find a ‘new normal’. Rather than just suffering, active grieving serves as a necessary, healthy mechanism to transition from the pain of loss toward healing.